My
work over the last 15 years has largely been devoted to exploding the
damaging myths that we absorb about love, romance, and relationships
from the time we're old enough to ingest information. Hollywood,
Disney, People magazine, and now Facebook do a
superb job at propagating false messages like, When you meet
The One, you'll just know or, If you don't feel
butterflies every day, you're with the wrong partner.
On
the surface, these messages may seem innocuous—ridiculous, even—but
when the reality of a committed relationship falls short of the
culturally-induced expectation, it's frightfully easy to fall prey to
the insidious thought that there's something wrong with
your relationship which may cause you to walk away from a loving, well-matched partner.
So
let's deconstruct some of the most common myths (to deconstruct all
of them would require a book-length article) that commonly create
unnecessary anxiety even among the most level-headed, intelligent
people.
1.
If I experience any doubt in my relationship, I'm with the wrong
partner.
I
hate to break it to you, but 100% certainty about anything in life is
a childlike illusion. Life is uncertain. Doubt about any major
decision is not only inevitable but healthy. And when you're on the
precipice of making a lifetime commitment or even have the
sense that your partner is someone with whom you could envision
spending the rest of your life, why wouldn't you have doubts?
Isn't
it a sign of intelligence and thoughtfulness to put your partner
under the microscope for a period of time and honestly ask yourself
if you're making a loving choice? (Notice that I didn't say "the
right choice," as there isn't one right choice when it comes to
marriage.) The key question to ask yourself is: Is my partner
someone with whom I can learn about love?
2.
If I don't feel butterflies every time we're together (or if I never
had them), I don't really love him or her.
Butterflies
are a sign of infatuation, and feeling infatuated is an early,
somewhat adolescent stage of a relationship. Butterflies are often
induced by the state of longing, which occurs before you know that
your partner is fully committed. Unfortunately, the modern psyche is
wired to equate love with longing, so when there's an element of
chase or drama, we think we've found true love.
True love has
nothing to do with longing or drama. Real love is two available
people standing face to face willing to be vulnerable, honest, and
committed. There's nothing dramatic about that and it usually doesn't
induce butterflies. If you still feel butterflies several years into
a relationship, it's likely because you're the pursuer in the
pursuer-distancer dynamic that characterizes most relationships.
That's fine, but it's also fine to not feel butterflies. What matters
is if your relationship is growing on a solid foundation of respect,
trust, friendship, connection, and shared vision and values. Anything
else is icing on the cake.
3.
If I don't miss my partner when he or she is away, I must not really
love him or her.
Hogwash.
If you don't miss your partner it means that you're fulfilled and
whole inside of yourself, which is one of the strongest determinants
of being capable of having a healthy relationship.
4.
I should want to spend every moment with my partner, especially after
we get married.
This
belief is part of our culture's propagation of adolescent love
instead of mature love. In adolescent love, you live your lives in
each others' back pockets, two half people merging to create a whole.
In mature love, you value and protect each others' separateness, and
from that space of enlivened separateness, you come to together to
share love in the third space of the relationship as two whole
people.
Even
after you're married—especially after you're
married—it's healthy to say to your spouse, "I need some time
alone tonight. I'm going to take an hour in the bedroom to write or
listen to music." I'm often surprised by how many of my clients
truly don't know that it's OK to ask for time alone.
5.
Sex should always be fantastic and I should want it all the time.
That
would be nice, but it's not reality. Sometimes you'll want it;
sometimes you won't. Sometimes you won't want it, but you'll do it
anyway to water the relationship garden, and it will turn out to be
great. Sometimes you'll be bored; that's okay. You and your partner
may have different needs around frequency as there's usually a
high-drive and a low-drive partner; if you communicate about it,
you'll eventually work it out. Hollywood and mainstream media do such
a number on our minds regarding sex that most people simply don't
know what's normal.
How
about this? If it's basically working for the two of you, you're
fine. And if it's not working well, but you're addressing it
together, you're also fine. Sex is complicated in the best of
circumstances as it activates our deepest wounds and needs about
loving and being loved, so a strong dose of compassion and patience
goes a long way in this department.
As
a rule, notice how many times the word should enters
your thinking process when it comes to your relationship and try to
let it go. There are no should's or molds that you have to squeeze
yourself into; there's only what works for the two of you
.
Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen
Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!
