Boundaries, our personal electric fence

 Boundaries

So often the word BOUNDARIES is thrown around when talking about relationships, work, families, food and sex. How often do you hear or say  " Oh I didn't set my boundaries with xyz " or " My boss constantly pushes my boundaries" and even " I struggle to have control over my need for food,shopping, Facebook,xyz?".
Have you ever experienced that sinking feeling in your stomach when you agree to something but deep down you are screaming NO? Have you had those times when you feel guilty for telling your boss/family you cant work late/come to a family dinner then taken your no back? The answer is most likely yes, because most of us struggle at sometime with boundaries.

 I remember many years ago someone suggested that my boss being rude to me yet again was in fact my lack of robust personal boundaries .  I was shocked and horrified at the next words  they spoke "you teach people how to treat you" .
 It was as if they were speaking a foreign language, I couldn't comprehend that I not only contributed to others crossing my boundaries but I had a right to express what my boundaries were. Even more astonishing was the suggestion that expressing or reinforcing my boundaries could be a positive thing.It went against my upbringing in a very traditional and "proper" middle class English family.
But now years later I know that robust boundaries enable me to be a happy and creative person, if  boundaries are to fluid then we can feel constantly taken for granted, powerless, confused and anxious.If they are too rigid then we can feel a  never ending need for control, often angry and frustrated.
Over the next couple of weeks we will take a journey exploring  these mysterious but ever so important "boundaries" 
So first what are boundaries? 

• Personal awareness of what you will and won’t accept. 
• It’s the knowledge of what you are uncomfortable with 
• They warn us when we are detracting from , or living outside of our values 
• They act as both self-protection and a warning system.
• They are internal and external

Boundaries also teach others what to expect from you,they also impose limits, not just on others but also upon yourself to ensure that you don’t place yourself in dangerous situations or continue to take being treated in a way that detracts from being authentically you.
If you imagine that every single one of us on this planet has our own invisible electric fence – these are our boundaries.

Unfortunately we sometimes 

• Have the electricity turned off 
• Totally disregard the alarm bells ringing when the fence gets violated
• Give someone else the control of setting our boundaries
• May be totally unaware that you actually have this ‘function’ in your personal armour.

When the fence is on and someone bumps it or totally jumps the fence, your discomfort should register as alarm bells ringing, this can show as anxiety,nausea, tension, avoidance, anger or eating all the chocolate in the house. You need to learn how your warning system works by paying attention to the messages in your thoughts, behaviours,body or emotions.
The electric fence ‘going off’ with your alarm bells ringing is your warning system and it means that you need to address the situation  and work out what the boundary crossing means to you, the relationship or about the person. 
Next week we will look a bit more into the world of our internal electric fences and what we can do to flick the switch so they are on and in working order.

Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor  and nationally registered homicide and major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a prolific writer and workshop facilitator.

Contact her  carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!

5 Big Fat Relationship Myths

My work over the last 15 years has largely been devoted to exploding the damaging myths that we absorb about love, romance, and relationships from the time we're old enough to ingest information. Hollywood, Disney, People magazine, and now Facebook do a superb job at propagating false messages like, When you meet The One, you'll just know or, If you don't feel butterflies every day, you're with the wrong partner. 

On the surface, these messages may seem innocuous—ridiculous, even—but when the reality of a committed relationship falls short of the culturally-induced expectation, it's frightfully easy to fall prey to the insidious thought that there's something wrong with your relationship which may cause you to walk away from a loving, well-matched partner.

So let's deconstruct some of the most common myths (to deconstruct all of them would require a book-length article) that commonly create unnecessary anxiety even among the most level-headed, intelligent people.

1. If I experience any doubt in my relationship, I'm with the wrong partner.

I hate to break it to you, but 100% certainty about anything in life is a childlike illusion. Life is uncertain. Doubt about any major decision is not only inevitable but healthy. And when you're on the precipice of making a lifetime commitment  or even have the sense that your partner is someone with whom you could envision spending the rest of your life, why wouldn't you have doubts? 

Isn't it a sign of intelligence and thoughtfulness to put your partner under the microscope for a period of time and honestly ask yourself if you're making a loving choice? (Notice that I didn't say "the right choice," as there isn't one right choice when it comes to marriage.) The key question to ask yourself is: Is my partner someone with whom I can learn about love?

2. If I don't feel butterflies every time we're together (or if I never had them), I don't really love him or her.

Butterflies are a sign of infatuation, and feeling infatuated is an early, somewhat adolescent stage of a relationship. Butterflies are often induced by the state of longing, which occurs before you know that your partner is fully committed. Unfortunately, the modern psyche is wired to equate love with longing, so when there's an element of chase or drama, we think we've found true love. 

True love has nothing to do with longing or drama. Real love is two available people standing face to face willing to be vulnerable, honest, and committed. There's nothing dramatic about that and it usually doesn't induce butterflies. If you still feel butterflies several years into a relationship, it's likely because you're the pursuer in the pursuer-distancer dynamic that characterizes most relationships. That's fine, but it's also fine to not feel butterflies. What matters is if your relationship is growing on a solid foundation of respect, trust, friendship, connection, and shared vision and values. Anything else is icing on the cake.

3. If I don't miss my partner when he or she is away, I must not really love him or her.

Hogwash. If you don't miss your partner it means that you're fulfilled and whole inside of yourself, which is one of the strongest determinants of being capable of having a healthy relationship.

4. I should want to spend every moment with my partner, especially after we get married. 

This belief is part of our culture's propagation of adolescent love instead of mature love. In adolescent love, you live your lives in each others' back pockets, two half people merging to create a whole. In mature love, you value and protect each others' separateness, and from that space of enlivened separateness, you come to together to share love in the third space of the relationship as two whole people. 

Even after you're married—especially after you're married—it's healthy to say to your spouse, "I need some time alone tonight. I'm going to take an hour in the bedroom to write or listen to music." I'm often surprised by how many of my clients truly don't know that it's OK to ask for time alone.

5. Sex should always be fantastic and I should want it all the time. 

That would be nice, but it's not reality. Sometimes you'll want it; sometimes you won't. Sometimes you won't want it, but you'll do it anyway to water the relationship garden, and it will turn out to be great. Sometimes you'll be bored; that's okay. You and your partner may have different needs around frequency as there's usually a high-drive and a low-drive partner; if you communicate about it, you'll eventually work it out. Hollywood and mainstream media do such a number on our minds regarding sex that most people simply don't know what's normal.

How about this? If it's basically working for the two of you, you're fine. And if it's not working well, but you're addressing it together, you're also fine. Sex is complicated in the best of circumstances as it activates our deepest wounds and needs about loving and being loved, so a strong dose of compassion and patience goes a long way in this department.

As a rule, notice how many times the word should enters your thinking process when it comes to your relationship and try to let it go. There are no should's or molds that you have to squeeze yourself into; there's only what works for the two of you

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Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen

Contact her  carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!