Boundaries, our personal electric fence

 Boundaries

So often the word BOUNDARIES is thrown around when talking about relationships, work, families, food and sex. How often do you hear or say  " Oh I didn't set my boundaries with xyz " or " My boss constantly pushes my boundaries" and even " I struggle to have control over my need for food,shopping, Facebook,xyz?".
Have you ever experienced that sinking feeling in your stomach when you agree to something but deep down you are screaming NO? Have you had those times when you feel guilty for telling your boss/family you cant work late/come to a family dinner then taken your no back? The answer is most likely yes, because most of us struggle at sometime with boundaries.

 I remember many years ago someone suggested that my boss being rude to me yet again was in fact my lack of robust personal boundaries .  I was shocked and horrified at the next words  they spoke "you teach people how to treat you" .
 It was as if they were speaking a foreign language, I couldn't comprehend that I not only contributed to others crossing my boundaries but I had a right to express what my boundaries were. Even more astonishing was the suggestion that expressing or reinforcing my boundaries could be a positive thing.It went against my upbringing in a very traditional and "proper" middle class English family.
But now years later I know that robust boundaries enable me to be a happy and creative person, if  boundaries are to fluid then we can feel constantly taken for granted, powerless, confused and anxious.If they are too rigid then we can feel a  never ending need for control, often angry and frustrated.
Over the next couple of weeks we will take a journey exploring  these mysterious but ever so important "boundaries" 
So first what are boundaries? 

• Personal awareness of what you will and won’t accept. 
• It’s the knowledge of what you are uncomfortable with 
• They warn us when we are detracting from , or living outside of our values 
• They act as both self-protection and a warning system.
• They are internal and external

Boundaries also teach others what to expect from you,they also impose limits, not just on others but also upon yourself to ensure that you don’t place yourself in dangerous situations or continue to take being treated in a way that detracts from being authentically you.
If you imagine that every single one of us on this planet has our own invisible electric fence – these are our boundaries.

Unfortunately we sometimes 

• Have the electricity turned off 
• Totally disregard the alarm bells ringing when the fence gets violated
• Give someone else the control of setting our boundaries
• May be totally unaware that you actually have this ‘function’ in your personal armour.

When the fence is on and someone bumps it or totally jumps the fence, your discomfort should register as alarm bells ringing, this can show as anxiety,nausea, tension, avoidance, anger or eating all the chocolate in the house. You need to learn how your warning system works by paying attention to the messages in your thoughts, behaviours,body or emotions.
The electric fence ‘going off’ with your alarm bells ringing is your warning system and it means that you need to address the situation  and work out what the boundary crossing means to you, the relationship or about the person. 
Next week we will look a bit more into the world of our internal electric fences and what we can do to flick the switch so they are on and in working order.

Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor  and nationally registered homicide and major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a prolific writer and workshop facilitator.

Contact her  carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!