tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54938151224231184752024-03-13T07:38:58.741-07:00The Soul Cake PagesCreate the life you love from the inside out.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-7443431136367029112014-03-30T22:00:00.001-07:002014-03-30T22:00:13.340-07:00Addicted to drama?<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QCO8I0AfvRE/Uzj2UeQ_0lI/AAAAAAAABmY/PjxyRF-4_rg/s1600/Hard-to-Be-Happy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QCO8I0AfvRE/Uzj2UeQ_0lI/AAAAAAAABmY/PjxyRF-4_rg/s1600/Hard-to-Be-Happy.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems and drama because they give us a sense of identity, it becomes a familiar pattern of who we are. We see not only ourselves but the world through these patterns and get stuck in a Groundhog Drama day of thoughts feelings and action ( or inaction).<br />
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We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head like personalised YouTube clips of ways to fail or be hurt .Each time we do so we are allowing feelings of shame and a belief in futility to shape our lives in the present.With each worry we gain a false sense of problem solving but in reality we keep reinforcing the feelings of being stuck,hurt,rejected etc, its as if the hamster wheel is spinning but the hamster died long ago.<br />
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The truth is there will never be a time when life is simple and problem free but there is the option of being able to constructively worry and let go of the drama.<br />
Sometimes we need to get of the hamster wheel of drama and try something unfamiliar which is full of change and growth.<br />
We need to let go of the things which weigh us down and create space for the joy and vitality to enter. The following are some simple steps to hunt out the drama and begin to let it go!<br />
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<li>Recognise when you might be creating the drama or at least enabling it to continue</li>
<li>Don't feed into other peoples drama </li>
<li>Your personal life doesn't need to be on Facebook</li>
<li>Reconsider unhealthy or "drama fueled" relationships</li>
<li>Press the stop button, when you are playing the You Tube clips press make a choice to stop</li>
<li>Set constructive ways to solve problems</li>
<li>Be kind to yourself, we all need some compassion in our day</li>
<li>Say something supportive and positive about others, look for solutions</li>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide / major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a prolific writer and workshop facilitator.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Contact her at therapycaroline@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts! </i></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-45314777185323331332014-03-26T17:27:00.001-07:002014-03-26T21:27:56.253-07:00The Life Detox<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ltynFUQGwRI/UzNwIRdGW0I/AAAAAAAABic/yWGVy9Phwlw/s1600/water-food-apples.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ltynFUQGwRI/UzNwIRdGW0I/AAAAAAAABic/yWGVy9Phwlw/s1600/water-food-apples.jpg" height="250" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'palatino linotype', palatino, serif;">There it was in full sight on my Facebook new’s feed a day to day blog of someone going on a 6 day </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">detox on, of all things, watermelon. I was confused, bewildered and then after a few days concerned that there is such a pervasive cure all approach to physical detox. The more I looked into the “detox” world and became overwhelmed by screed’s of “cure all” “miracle fixes” being shamelessly advertised. Crazy detoxes don’t work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now don’t get me wrong I have nothing personal against watermelons and I am certainly in need of dropping a few pounds and being a bit healthier. Some of the detox plans out there seem pretty reasonable “stop putting rubbish in your body and put more of the healthy stuff in”. That sounds like a lifestyle we could all benefit from along with a bit more exercise, relaxation and laughter. But its the “eliminate xyz” or “only put xyz into your body for 6 days and be rejuvenated/fixed/cured!” well that just smacks of gimmicky magical wand cures.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It occurred to me that while we may have these healthier bodies, what about our minds, emotions, social connections, environment and spirit? What you may consider to be a physical problem is in fact your body’s best attempt at adapting in order to survive the mental and emotional conditions that it is subjected to in daily life. With this in mind maybe we need to start eliminating the other toxins in our life and be more aware of living lives which are overall healthier and more enriching?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In my counselling practice people share about the unhelpful beliefs, behaviours, relationships, feelings etc that hold them back from being truly happy and connecting to life. Much of my work with people is about “detoxing” from beliefs, behaviours ,feelings, situations or relationships which are physically manifesting in symptoms of;</span></div>
<span style="color: #555555; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><ol>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit;">Poor or disturbed sleep</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Digestive problems including IBS and candida </span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Low energy fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Migraines, headaches and muscle soreness</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So before you reach for the latest Lemon Detox or live entirely on kale, try inviting more of the vege family into your world, make the coffee and chocolate family a treat not an entire meal or go do something energetic with your body. But more more importantly take a look at how you can positively and sustainibly improve some of the following…</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit;">Relationships – reduce the draining or toxic ones and build the healthy connections</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Limiting beliefs about yourself and the world </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Clear out clutter in your personal space ( filing cabinet, closet,bathroom cupboard,home space)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Improve your environment ( some flowers, a pot plant, colour, music, books, inspiring stuff)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Commitments, learning to say “NO” or at least let me think about it</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Personal finances, sort out those unpaid bills, start a savings account, get a debit not a credit card</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 25.200000762939453px;">Sleep and exercise</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have fun</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide / major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a prolific writer and workshop facilitator.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Contact her at carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts! </span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-82518912011667752702014-02-23T23:32:00.001-08:002014-02-24T15:19:08.818-08:00What's your body really telling you?<br />
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Sometimes your body is trying to tell you something - maybe it really does want that walk, that it's not getting enough sleep and that the chocolate and wine diet isn't really working as well as hoped.Sometimes its even trying to tell you that you are stressed or not living according to your life values, that being in your relationship is actually slowly killing you!</div>
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But what if its not just what you are putting into your body that is the problem and your body is trying to tell you that something deeper is not aligning?Our bodies never lie, we just ignore or mis interpret the messages.<br />
The sinking in your stomach when you say "yes" to going on that date, the pain in your neck when you try to smile nicely at a rude work colleague or feeling constantly tired but forcing yourself to do something you deep down hate.</div>
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These are all messages from our body trying to tell us some very important news but you need to s<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">top thinking about it just for a moment. You need to get quiet. You need to actually listen.</span></span>That feeling in your body is where you'll find your intuition, and your capability to act. You already know it's not on your shelves of how-to books, or waiting for you in the next guru-convention. So it's time to look somewhere else</div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Your body is sending you messages, core, gut feelings, all the time. You don't need to reason them, logic them, or intellectualize them. You just need to act on them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">When your eyes are sore you rub them. If its stomach ache? You rest your hands on your belly.Without thinking you instinctively know what to do.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"> Unsure what to eat, say, work on, or create? Take a very deep breath, relax, feel, and then do it. </span></span><img height="320" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRqSIThyYs4E2gKkLHyD2IFnJHtj8myTK72KWiba2VZIhwQ4TPF" width="304" /></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Your body pays attention to you. It thinks you're important! If you've spent a whole lot of time ignoring how you feel, just crashing along, mis interpreting your body wisdom then your body has probably decided you're not interested in listening to these lines of communication. It hits the mute button.Or it turns the volume up so loud we break down.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">We need to listen to the message beneath the fear, negative self talk and the hordes of must and should's . We need to take time to be quiet with our self, to reconnect to our bodies and begin a conversation of support and kindness.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Journalling, meditation, a warm bubble bath, a massage or exercise are all ways we can begin to become re acquainted with our old friend , our body.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">( In cases where the issues/symptoms may include anxiety or other deeper mental health concerns please contact your health professional for support)</span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;">Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide / major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a </span><span style="line-height: 24.944881439208984px;">prolific</span><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;"> writer and workshop facilitator.</span></i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!</i></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-70177467020484340922014-02-23T16:59:00.002-08:002014-03-26T15:17:32.698-07:00How motivated are you really?<br />
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I woke up one Monday morning and it dawned on me that my "get up and go" had actually done exactly that. It had got up and slipped off with out me realising it had happened. I was shocked and wondered "Was there a moment or conversation which was the crucial point when my motivation just stopped? I know I'm not alone in this because its's a topic which rears its lethargic head regularly with clients or friends.<br />
Have you ever found yourself waking up in the morning and after you have shuffled out of bed to get your coffee thinking "Oh no here we go again"?<br />
Do you have a list of "things to do today" which was really a list of things to do last month?<br />
Are you finding much of your time is spent "forcing yourself" to do things or trying to enjoy activities?<br />
Often it creeps up on us and slowly but surely we find our selves just getting by rather than living a life which has meaning and joy at its core.<br />
We all have times when we feel that our motivation has some how drained out of us while we were asleep, or suddenly found our selves living a life of quiet discontent.<br />
Have you ever found yourself waking up in the morning and after you have shuffled out of bed to get your coffee thinking "Oh no here we go again"?<br />
Do you have a list of "things to do today" which was really a list of things to do last month?<br />
Are you finding much of your time is spent "forcing yourself" to do things or trying to enjoy activities?<br />
Often it creeps up on us and slowly but surely we find our selves just getting by rather than living a life which has meaning and joy at its core.<br />
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So how can we change this slow shuffle to the grave and start to re engage with our passion, motivation and joy again?<br />
To help create change its important to understand that our thoughts,feelings and behaviours are all interconnected . Habits are created by our behaviour and thinking in the moment which is reinforced by our feelings,these feelings are often mistaken for fact and over ride our logical goals and needs.<br />
While we have "control" over what we think how we behave we don't have this same control over our feelings, often people mistake feelings for being "fact" when actually they are merely just signals to our brain and body to<br />
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<li>Interpret the world </li>
<li>Warn us of danger</li>
<li>Are hard wired to seek lifes "ings" ( eating, sexing, drugging,shopping,facebooking,gambling, relationshiping etc)</li>
<li>Communicate and understand</li>
<li>Prepare us for action/inaction</li>
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So imagine one of your goals is going to the gym, while logically you know its good for you, is in line with your goals and will help you feel more energetic,you lack of feeling the "motivation" and create an unhelpful emotional equation.</div>
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GYM + NEGATIVE EMOTION +NEGATIVE THINKING = AVOIDANCE</div>
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We listen to the "feeling" as being fact and then our thoughts "I never follow through, I will always be unfit etc" and behaviours ( withdrawal, eating comfort food,engaging in pleasurable distractions) follow suit creating a habit which is powerful and very convincing. We then associate "going to the gym" with a negative feeling and negative feelings are powerful demotivators!. <span style="text-align: center;"> Many people make the mistake of believing feelings are fact, need to be acted on and that they are permanent,often</span><span style="text-align: center;"> waiting till they feel like doing something before they start.When in reality if we think well,behave well our feelings will generally follow and create a different and more joyful habit.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Steps to create change</span></b></div>
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Break down goals into simple steps using SMART goal settings and keep this some where visible. Your goals should include the strong positive emotional states you are seeking and thoughts kept positive and empowering so you change those unhelpful habits into empowering and ones full of joy!<br />
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Here are some useful suggestions to get moving and get out of the rut.<br />
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<li>Post it notes ,liquid window chalk, quotes,images and reminders in your environment</li>
<li>Get a friend to buddy up so you keep each other on track</li>
<li>Download phone apps ,10 minute motivators,alarms with motivating messages,goal tracker etc</li>
<li>Keep a journal so you can keep track of your progress</li>
<li>Challenge negative thinking</li>
<li>Gratitude journal, or join on of the many online gratitude/positivity groups so you get positive reinforcing messages.</li>
<li>Negativity jar, you write the negative thoughts, behaviours or feelings down and get rid of them in a jar.</li>
<li>Positivity jar put all your change in and save for a big treat</li>
<li>write down something you are grateful/love/has happened and save them for a day you are struggling to keep on track</li>
<li>Be creative!</li>
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<span style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;">Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide / major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a </span><span style="line-height: 24.944881439208984px;">prolific</span><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;"> writer and workshop facilitator.</span></i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!</i></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-65958377364895007962014-02-17T21:04:00.002-08:002014-02-17T21:04:26.905-08:00Boundary Bootcamp in <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oG-Yrz3K2mg/UwLbtwZg75I/AAAAAAAABTY/Ugz8jqY3K2w/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oG-Yrz3K2mg/UwLbtwZg75I/AAAAAAAABTY/Ugz8jqY3K2w/s1600/images.jpg" height="267" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 24.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Boundary Boot-camp</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Boundaries, we all have them but often they are one of the core problems in relationships </span><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">whether</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> with friends,</span><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">our self</span><span style="line-height: 115%;">, family, co-workers or your beloved ( or maybe not so beloved). </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So what exactly are these essential "boundaries"?</span></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Basically a personal awareness of what you will
and won’t accept.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;">It’s the knowledge of what you are
uncomfortable with</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;">They warn us when we are detracting
from , or living outside of our values</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;">They act as both self-protection and a
warning system.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;">They are internal and external</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Boundaries <b>teach
people how to treat you</b> and what to expect from you.They also impose
limits, not just on others but also upon yourself to ensure that you don’t
place yourself in dangerous situations or continue to take being treated in a
way that detracts from you.Boundaries can also hold us back from living more fully or following our passion when they are to rigid or imposed out of fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you imagine that every single one of us on this
planet has our own invisible electric fence – these are our boundaries. Over the next few weeks I will take you on a journey to uncover <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">Your personal boundaries</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">How to set them</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">How to strengthen them</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">And how to work with conflict</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">The first step is developing your own personal awareness of boundaries and to start you off try answering these basic questions, remember be as honest as you can and give examples if possible.</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5N4OvrXNutA/UwLoAZGDmSI/AAAAAAAABTo/vzt-35D67tY/s1600/boundaries-better-life3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5N4OvrXNutA/UwLoAZGDmSI/AAAAAAAABTo/vzt-35D67tY/s1600/boundaries-better-life3.png" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you take things personally?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you tolerate rude comment or pushy people
because you find conflict hard to deal with?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you set yourself tasks/goals/deadlines and fall short of them?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.399999618530273px;"> Over the next few days keep a diary and note down your awareness of boundaries in action with the questions you answered above as a guide</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In order to free yourself from the “disease to
please” self-awareness is the first key so you can begin to be accountable for
your own happiness. Answer the following, try and give at least five examples<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</b></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>People may not...</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>I have the right to...</b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>To protect my time and energy it is ok
to…</b></span><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b><span style="line-height: 21.559999465942383px; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;">Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide / major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a </span><span style="line-height: 24.944881439208984px;">prolific</span><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;"> writer and workshop facilitator.</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; line-height: 0.66cm; margin: 0px 0px 0cm; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!</i></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-35685411403306557742014-01-22T17:24:00.001-08:002014-01-23T01:42:13.663-08:00Boundaries, our personal electric fence<h2>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So often the word BOUNDARIES is thrown around when talking about relationships, work, families, food and sex. How often do you hear or say " Oh I didn't set my boundaries with xyz " or " My boss constantly pushes my boundaries" and even " I struggle to have control over my need for food,shopping, Facebook,xyz?".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> you ever experienced that sinking feeling in your stomach when you agree to something but deep down you are screaming NO? Have you had those times when you feel guilty for telling your boss/family you cant work late/come to a family dinner then taken your no back? The answer is most likely yes, because most of us struggle at sometime with boundaries.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I remember many years ago someone suggested that my boss being rude to me yet again </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">was in fact my lack of robust personal boundaries . I was shocked and horrified at the next words they spoke "you teach people how to treat you" .</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> It was as if they were speaking a foreign language, I couldn't comprehend that I not only contributed to others crossing my boundaries but I had a right to express what my boundaries were. Even more astonishing was the suggestion that expressing or reinforcing my boundaries could be a positive thing.It went against my upbringing in a very traditional and "proper" middle class English family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But now years later I know that robust boundaries enable me to be a happy and creative person,</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> if boundaries are to fluid then we can feel constantly taken for granted, powerless, confused and anxious.If they are too rigid then we can feel a never ending need for control, often angry and frustrated.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Over the next couple of weeks we will take a journey exploring these mysterious but ever so important "boundaries" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So first what are boundaries? </span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Personal awareness of what you will and won’t accept. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s the knowledge of what you are uncomfortable with </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">They warn us when we are detracting from , or living outside of our values </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">They act as both self-protection and a warning system.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">They are internal and external</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Boundaries also teach others what to expect from you,they also impose limits, not just on others but also upon yourself to ensure that you don’t place yourself in dangerous situations or continue to take being treated in a way that detracts from being authentically you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you imagine that every single one of us on this planet has our own invisible electric fence – these are our boundaries.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2WPUyQ2BMC8/UuBm9XXiEGI/AAAAAAAABAA/rG0bgi0K0wE/s1600/Humor-FS-Cow-ElectricFence.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2WPUyQ2BMC8/UuBm9XXiEGI/AAAAAAAABAA/rG0bgi0K0wE/s1600/Humor-FS-Cow-ElectricFence.JPG" height="400" width="313" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Unfortunately we sometimes </span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have the electricity turned off </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Totally disregard the alarm bells ringing when the fence gets violated</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Give someone else the control of setting our boundaries</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">May be totally unaware that you actually have this ‘function’ in your personal armour.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When the fence is on and someone bumps it or totally jumps the fence, your discomfort should register as alarm bells ringing, this can show as anxiety,nausea, tension, avoidance, anger or eating all the chocolate in the house. You need to learn how your warning system works by paying attention to the messages in your thoughts, behaviours,body or emotions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The electric fence ‘going off’ with your alarm bells ringing is your warning system and it means that you need to address the situation and work out what the boundary crossing means to you, the relationship or about the person. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Next week we will look a bit more into the world of our internal electric fences and what we can do to flick the switch so they are on and in working order.</span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;">Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor and nationally registered homicide and major crimes counsellor in New Zealand working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen. With over 15 years training and experience in anxiety,depression, addictions and trauma she is a </span><span style="line-height: 24.944881439208984px;">prolific</span><span style="line-height: 0.66cm;"> writer and workshop facilitator.</span></span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 0.66cm; margin: 0px 0px 0cm; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!</i></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14288117184606111295noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493815122423118475.post-19728927774050496952014-01-20T21:14:00.000-08:002014-01-23T01:24:22.068-08:005 Big Fat Relationship Myths<br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">My
work over the last 15 years has largely been devoted to exploding the
damaging myths that we absorb about love, romance, and relationships
from the time we're old enough to ingest information. Hollywood,
Disney, <i>People</i> magazine, and now Facebook do a
superb job at propagating false messages like, <i>When you meet
The One, you'll just know</i> or, <i>If you don't feel
butterflies every day, you're with the wrong partner</i>. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #333333;">On
the surface, these messages may seem innocuous—ridiculous, even—but
when the reality of a committed relationship falls short of the
culturally-induced expectation, it's frightfully easy to fall prey to
the insidious thought that there's something wrong with
your </span><span style="color: #82aed7;"><u>relationship</u></span></span></span><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> which may cause you to walk away from a loving, well-matched partner.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">So
let's deconstruct some of the most common myths (to deconstruct all
of them would require a book-length article) that commonly create
unnecessary anxiety even among the most level-headed, intelligent
people.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: large;"><b>1.
If I experience any doubt in my relationship, I'm with the wrong
partner.</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">I
hate to break it to you, but 100% certainty about anything in life is
a childlike illusion. Life is uncertain. Doubt about any major
decision is not only inevitable but healthy. And when you're on the
precipice of making a lifetime commitment or even have the
sense that your partner is someone with whom you could envision
spending the rest of your life, why wouldn't you have doubts? </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Isn't
it a sign of intelligence and thoughtfulness to put your partner
under the microscope for a period of time and honestly ask yourself
if you're making a loving choice? (Notice that I didn't say "the
right choice," as there isn't one right choice when it comes to
marriage.) The key question to ask yourself is: <i>Is my partner
someone with whom I can learn about love</i>?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>2.
If I don't feel butterflies every time we're together (or if I never
had them), I don't really love him or her.</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Butterflies
are a sign of infatuation, and feeling infatuated is an early,
somewhat adolescent stage of a relationship. Butterflies are often
induced by the state of longing, which occurs before you know that
your partner is fully committed. Unfortunately, the modern psyche is
wired to equate love with longing, so when there's an element of
chase or drama, we think we've found true love. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">True </span></span></span><a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/tag/love.html"><span style="color: #82aed7;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">love</span></span></span></span></a><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> has
nothing to do with longing or drama. Real love is two available
people standing face to face willing to be vulnerable, honest, and
committed. There's nothing dramatic about that and it usually doesn't
induce butterflies. If you still feel butterflies several years into
a relationship, it's likely because you're the pursuer in the
pursuer-distancer dynamic that characterizes most relationships.
That's fine, but it's also fine to not feel butterflies. What matters
is if your relationship is growing on a solid foundation of respect,
trust, friendship, connection, and shared vision and values. Anything
else is icing on the cake.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>3.
If I don't miss my partner when he or she is away, I must not really
love him or her.</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Hogwash.
If you don't miss your partner it means that you're fulfilled and
whole inside of yourself, which is one of the strongest determinants
of being capable of having a healthy relationship.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>4.
I should want to spend every moment with my partner, especially after
we get married. </b></span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gpWMwnxIrLs/Ut4BLl26QdI/AAAAAAAAA-k/Zp-vRqsZBII/s1600/pamelamiles2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gpWMwnxIrLs/Ut4BLl26QdI/AAAAAAAAA-k/Zp-vRqsZBII/s1600/pamelamiles2.jpg" height="400" width="387" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">This
belief is part of our culture's propagation of adolescent love
instead of mature love. In adolescent love, you live your lives in
each others' back pockets, two half people merging to create a whole.
In mature love, you value and protect each others' separateness, and
from that space of enlivened separateness, you come to together to
share love in the third space of the relationship as two whole
people. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Even
after you're married—<i>especially</i> after you're
married—it's healthy to say to your spouse, "I need some time
alone tonight. I'm going to take an hour in the bedroom to write or
listen to music." I'm often surprised by how many of my clients
truly don't know that it's OK to ask for time alone.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>5.
Sex should always be fantastic and I should want it all the time. </b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">That
would be nice, but it's not reality. Sometimes you'll want it;
sometimes you won't. Sometimes you won't want it, but you'll do it
anyway to water the relationship garden, and it will turn out to be
great. Sometimes you'll be bored; that's okay. You and your partner
may have different needs around frequency as there's usually a
high-drive and a low-drive partner; if you communicate about it,
you'll eventually work it out. Hollywood and mainstream media do such
a number on our minds regarding sex that most people simply don't
know what's normal.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">How
about this? If it's basically working for the two of you, you're
fine. And if it's not working well, but you're addressing it
together, you're also fine. Sex is complicated in the best of
circumstances as it activates our deepest wounds and needs about
loving and being loved, so a strong dose of compassion and patience
goes a long way in this department.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">As
a rule, notice how many times the word <i>should</i> enters
your thinking process when it comes to your relationship and try to
let it go. There are no should's or molds that you have to squeeze
yourself into; there's only what works for the two of you</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Caroline Williams is a registered counsellor working with individuals and couples to help them make the life they love happen</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Contact her carolinewilliamstherapynz@gmail.com for in person or skype counselling and make this year the one that counts!</i></span></span></span></div>
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